Week 8

"I longed to be a part of something large and good; something that required all of me;
something dangerous and worth dying for."

In preparation for this week's unexpected entry, I was fortunate enough to fix my thoughts onto the topic of vulnerability. Ironic? Possibly........ yes. If you happen to have any relationship with me, you might find it extremely obvious that I have a great fear of vulnerability. The times relationally, spiritually, emotionally, and physically, that I have put myself in such a position, helplessness and pain swelled my spirit.

However, the Lord has given me an exception: the times when that should continue, it doesn't. This might be beyond what my words can express but I guess, that is how it is supposed to be anyway. ;)

Love. Love. Love.

I write this word as I say it. I cannot just read "love love love." I try to learn "love," as I read "love." Perhaps it is just a word to you or perhaps it is an action. Perhaps it is just a feeling. Each person's definition is unique and fits his or her heart. Webster only defines the term as a strong likening or affection for a person. Again, ironic. Let me ask this though: what hinders you from loving? I find great sorrow in the superficial definition of a word that seems to be so unexplainable to the common person. However, I believe that it is through experiences created out of vulnerability that one can possibly and reasonably create their own sincere definition and interestingly enough, that sincerity and new idea constructs a new piece of character or perhaps brings forth one that had been supressed.

I'd like to share a testimony that contains my favorite time, my most influential experience, and the moment that I.... saw me.

On an island around 50 miles from the shoreline that contained a small speckle of what was known to be a shrimping village. I looked back wondering what was ahead of me, for what was behind was sorrowful. The water was thick with salt; so thick that the transparency of paradise was unimaginable. I was layered in clothing to last me the week on the island which was then covered with the white and tasteful sparkles of salt. These layers, which were physical at the time, by the end of the week symbolize the "covering" I intentionally created for my protection. We were warned that the island was heavily fixed in the drug trade and violence. There was no form of government and business was with the shrimp business, dominated by man.
There was no welcome. They watched holding bottles of tequila as I walked briskly by, avoiding all contact. They stared. However, what the difference betweem them and me? They covered their souls with deviance and then layered it with alcohol so that true identities could not be exposed. I was hesitant in justifying my presence amoung this environment. There were no women in sight; houses were made of tar and driftwood. I saw eyes peeking through the cracks. They were hidden, fearful...... of me? What did they see? That night, we waited inside the church of plywood. I sat, being "Heidi." This is the whole point: "being Heidi." I had come to love so for the next few days I did. We reconstructed this plywood monument, cooked, and played games with the kids. While we were there one night, two men had come in from fishing intoxicated beyond comprehension. The other men, also intoxicated, manipulated the situation, instigated agression and violence by persuading the two men to fight...with machetes. The next day, a woman who had come to the church the night before hid behind her home avoiding all contact with us. Ashamed, she had developed bruises on her arms and legs, walked limply, and primarily hiding her face. A woman in her mid-60's, she came again that night, but sat in the back, hiding herself. Was she hiding from us or from God? She was scared.....but she still came?! There I was. I hid myself but I still came. I was scared. I watched her the entire service. All I could do was hold my head in shame. I had no bruises. I had realized that my aim to efficiently serve had overcome my true service of loving. "We hide our truest selves and offer only what we believe is wanted, what is safe."

Can we serve sincerely and yet maintain safety? This security I write of is not physical, but emotional and perhaps spiritual. My fear had initially kept me from truely loving these people. To them, all I could be was a curious observer. However, that night I watched her leave the church, head still curled towards her shoulder. I followed her pace about 20 meters. I called "Senorita," and she stopped, turned, and faced me. I did not know her spoken language, but I know that she understood me then. I grasped her hand with both of mine and said "Jesus te ama y..... te amo." I don't know if that was correct but, I pray that my intention was understood. We just stood there...no words, and she walked away.

This woman had been beated by her husband for coming to church while he was gone.
This woman lived constantly in a physical and emotional vulnerability. Though I couldn't speak to her, nor keep things from happening to her, I could love her. Truly love her.

Love, to me, is giving of yourself. Love, to me is, being honest. Love, to me, is being weak, being broken of selfishness and fear. Once these ideas are accomplished, then the concept of unconditional love will come forward without force. I believe that only a person is worth this sacrifice. "Being Heidi," is not enough.

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want ot make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it careful round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless- it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable...." -C.S. Lewis

In my time of volunteering, I have repeatedly realized the difference between volunteerism and servanthood. However, I do believe that that line can be stepped over and even erased. I do believe that it is a conscious transformation. Honestly, volunteerism is dead. It is a dead action. It prides itself in efficiency and production. Servanthood often lacks results to the naked eye and in essence, is founded upon vulnerability of all parties involved. I understand that there are things that need to be done, busy-work that needs to be tediously completed, but I do beg you to break the threshhold - step past the line. That, my friend is doing something big, something worth remembering, something good, and something worth dying for:

Love.

WELCOME BACK!! So throughout this week, the dental section at the community clinic was closed, but I will be back and KICKIN' next week! So instead, I would like to share a little bit more about my kids on Wednesday night at youth. I, along with my friends, Toderick and Terrance, are the peer leaders/mentors of this group of junior high students.

IN SUMMARY,

LET'S just say that the Lord is really going to have a give me a patient heart when I have my own kids this age!! ;)

We had 12 kids, but it seemed that there were 30 in the room. There is NO sense of respect of authority and a greater lack of respect for one another. One test of the night was brought forth by a 7th grader named Zach. He is possibly one of the most insecure people I have met, yet verbally has NO humility. I cannot even illiterate how much I thought that child, yes child, needed to be spanked (according to my household), and disciplined, by social definition. What is interesting about him is that he would take scripture out of context (which other kids his age know no difference), and use it to support his statements and personality. He has truly been on my heart and in my prayers, and honestly, I've probably been praying for myself just as much! HA! I was praying throughout the time of our meeting that I would be careful with my expressions, words, and "speak the truth in love." Maybe my crazy motherly instinct was kickin' in, but I can understand how it might be easier to treat a female my age with disrespect rather than a male. BUT HOLY COW! These people had no fear. In my opinion Toderick and Terrance are two big and bold guys - they are intimidating because they are "real." "We (they) don't play games," as they both said that night. Honestly, I have been praying for these kids to be broken spiritually, and realize that their substance comes not from their ability to be popular or attractive or the center of attention. I pray that a sense of reverence and respect will come forth. I thought about how I, a much older person, wanted theses kids to think I am cool but yet still incorporate the personna of a mentor and disciplinarian.

I thought this type of volunteering is very different than any other service project. I find it so odd, that what happens each time I'm with these students is implanted on my heart. It's almost like a heavy weight, that I am having to realize I CANNOT release. Only God. I just pray that I am a vessel of love, comfort, and justice. I can't change the world, but there is one that can. It reminds me of the line from Passion of the Christ where Jesus is carrying the cross through the streets, stumbles, and falls in humility, and Mary comes to His side: "See Mother, I can make all things new."

"...... I can make all things new."

"If any man be in Christ, he is a new creature; old things have passed away, and behold, all things have become new."

WEEK SIX

So it's time for me to catch up a little bit. The week before spring break I went to to community clinic and actually had a super good time that afternoon. Again, I showed up in my Purple People Eater Scrubs, and was hoping to be put to work. Upon my arrival, Kathy was bustling about.... like always, and we waited for the physician-of-the-day to arrive. Kathy had told the doctor that the clinic started 30 minutes later than the actual time; however, this was not realized until he arrived. I really enjoyed that week's clinic. The physician was very sarcastic, so of course, I had a field day! He also allowed me to kind of stand over his shoulder and ask any questions. I felt as though I was kind of a pest but he was more than happy to verbally take me through each step of the process or treatment he was providing that day. He also let me assist in a few extractions. This, in summary, entails, me.... sitting and sucking blood and keeping the patient in control. LOVELY! I know that this is sooooo appealing. Anyhoot, I had a super wonderful time!
THEN.....
Over spring break, I decided to come up to Joplin with aspirations of volunteering at the dental clinic on Wednesday. I showed up, again, in my purple scrubs, and ironically pulled in the parking lot at the same time as Kathy. She ran over and shockingly asked why I was there. Unfortunately, I didn't have a schedule with me at home and there wasn't a clinic that day. However, she was more than happy to give me some things to do. I WAS SO HAPPY! This woman NEVER asks for help! The clinic the previous night had gone late, so all the remnants of it were still laying about the rooms: blood, gauze, instruments, etc. So I spent approximately 2 hours cleaning everything and sanitizing instruments. Then she had me label and stuff envelopes. I was really glad that I could be helpful in that way.
You know, I think that it is quite peculiar that since the VERY first day I went to the clinic in my high heels, there has not been a overwhelming business about the community clinic. I would think that they would be flooded with people all the time. I also noticed that on the volunteer monthly newsletter, the author had incorporated scripture and Christian clip art. I guess that answered my questions!
"Da da da That's all folks!"

So I wanted to write a little bit about something that happened this week, dealing with the second place that I am volunteering. I mentioned in the previous post that I have been blessed with the opportunity of helping with the youth ministry at my local church.

MIDDLE SCHOOL.

DUN DUN DUN!!!!!!!

Some of you will possibly understand the reason why I write with this particular attitude. I returned this past Wedsnesday before service started and decided to attend the "adult service," in the sanctuary, and then go back to the youth ministry after it was over. So..... this is what I did. I must admit, after I had prayed for these kids that I had met the week before, I had become slightly discouraged, thinking, "how in the world are these kids, and girls in particular, going to change?! How will MY being there catalyze it? What can I say to them that doesn't make it seem like they've got another mom?" When I went to bed that night, I had to repent. I felt guilty that I deserted them.... because of me. This Sunday night the youth and college-age services were combined, and this group of girls astonished me. I stood there watching their every move, not critically, but just almost in tears that they were so desperate for attention. This sounds ridiculous, but I wanted them to think that I, was cool, that THEY could trust me, that they could be REAL with me. So I've meditated on the words of Helen Keller:

"I am only one; but still I am some one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something; I will not refuse to do the something I can do."

Talk about piercing the heart with WORDS!!!

Interestingly enough, this revelation was not the one thing I would consider. My best friend and I were talking about how at college, it seems as though I have an infinite number of best friends...that there is no differentiation. He said, "Heidi, if you love on people so much that they come repeatedly to you with their problems, how will they ever go to Jesus?"
I can honestly say that I teared up when reading this statement. It answered everything. I COULDN'T and shouldn't be everyone's mom. I can't solve all the problems of this world. I can't stand in the way of Jesus, if HE is the whole reason why I am there.
However.....

All things are possible. "God can do all things." Mark 10:27

Thus, there WILL be a day where I will see this group of girls as women. I will see them and not be saddened by their being lost. I will smile and be proud of how they have changed and learned. And maybe.....just maybe, I might be a part of that. If not, at least I can say that I was there at the beginning and not only that....
I pointed them in the right direction.

So it's been truly interesting to see how volunteering has brought forth many other opportunities and also has opened up my heart and personality to the people around me. My mother had seen my dentist, Audrey Crawford, back in Grove; Audrey is actually the person who encouraged me to go into the dental field, and do dental hygiene instead of dentistry....for now at least. Audrey has also been a sort of 2nd mom. My best friend of my childhood is her niece, so let's just say that Audrey has been with me through all kinds of ruckus...including my teeth.
Well my mom had mentioned that I was volunteering at the community clinic here in Joplin and mom shared my first blog with her. Audrey then emailed me and pretty much threatened me with my life, to come back to Grove and work for her after I graduate...... that's Christian huh?! HA! Just kiddin'. But Audrey and her husband travel 4-5 times per year overseas to Israel and set up a free dental clinic, where they obviously, also share the gospel, so that their ministry is by service and word. She invited me to go with them next time, perhaps over the summer. She also plans to share my blog with her staff at their next staff meeting. I thought to myself, what an honor!? This dentist office is elite.....seriously; they provide the most elite and up-to-date care and technology in the area. So there is one bit of information.
I also started another kind of side-volunteer job. At church, I will be acting as a "youth pastor," for middle school and high school youth. One Wednesday, I had a group of about 10 "middle-schoolers." Let's just say that I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO thankful that God did not call me to education because, my patience was tested. I was very interesting to see what this kids deemed as "respective" behavior. It was absurd. Honestly, they were obnoxious and terribly rude. It was sad to me. I was really troubled by their personna and their spirits, and their great efforts to be heard and be seen as comical. I am really going to have to pray about my ministry there because....
"my momma didn't raise no fool. i don't deal with that." HAHAHA!
But that is the truth. I was taught discipline and I aim to enforce discipline with love. It is all constructive. I pray that I can serve these youth. Honestly, it's going to take a miracle.....a breakthrough.

So because there is such a specific schedule for the dental section of the Joplin Community Clinic, I was just able to get in there again yesterday afternoon from 12:30 to 3:00. I had JUST finished a mircobiology essay-style exam, so honestly, my brain was completely fried. As I went in, I prayed that I would have a smile on my face and some joy-filled energy to help me persevere throughout the afternoon. There was a different physician this week, obviously, since it is done by volunteer dentists. He was very energetic and didn't seem to be burdened by routine like many of the others. He seemed to actually enjoy being there which is a plus for the other volunteers as well as the people IN the dental chairs waiting their turn to have teeth extracted.

We did six adults, each with different teeth extractions. The dentist made an effort to always make them comfortable and minimize their distress. He actually learned their names and got to know them personally, even in such a short amount of time. This attitude was sooooooo much easier to be around in comparison to my last visit at the clinic. It had really disturbed me.... the lack of relationship. In between paitients, I sterilized the rooms, instruments, and prepared the area for the next procedure. I might be a nerd, but I found it interesting to be able to apply my knowledge from microbiology!! Cheesy...I know. ; )

The dentist also made an effort to make me feel comfortable and was easy to talk to. He was happy to answer and explain my thoughts/questions. He gave me tips for performing different procedures. He, his father, and his brother were all practicing dentists, which I found interesting. I truly appreciated the attention he gave me.

Now, he was much more personable with the adult patients than the last dentist I had worked with, but he learned their names, and their problem, and then just listened to them. So there was still a great superficiality about the clinic. However, my favorite part of the afternoon - our last four patients were kids: 2 boys and 2 girls, all from the same family. They were ranging in age from 4-12, and were pretty nervous about being there. Riley, the youngest, timidly tried to climb in the chair, and the physician, ran over and swooped her up, and landed her in the seat. He asked her how many teeth she thought she had and she guessed 10. Hehe. He asked her to count how many, along with him, in her head, and see if she was right.

She had 20. He was soooo energetic! He made their anxiety disappear and therefore, made their trip to the "scary place," quite the opposite of what they expected.

THIS, my friends, is what I want to do.
I want to change the perspective.
I want to change the landscape.
I want to do the unexpected.
I want to care.
PERIOD.

My experience yesterday was extremely refreshing and encouraging. No more doubts. I was reminded, in time, of my purpose.......
Especially, after SURVIVING my microbiology exam. My smile was BACK.

As I mentioned in my last entry, I had assumed that the care provided at the Community Clinic would be physical, emotional, and spiritual. However, the latter left me in a state of confusion. As I entered the clinic, I noticed crosses on the walls in the entrace and different scriptures in old and tarnished picture frames. After these observations, my senses naturally focused on the attitudes of the people and their spirits. I expected a ministry.

At that point a began to distinguish between volunteerism and servant hood. What did I come to provide?
Volunteerism seems to be something that is provided in to order to benefit a person or group of people in their physical welfare, while servant hood, seems to be an act not done for a good feeling, but for the betterment of one's self and the person or persons being served.
Honestly, I struggled between these two characters. I realized that I found it difficult to do both simultaneously. Sincerity was pure only when one or the other was exhibited. Now that I have been there numerous times and have evaluated the other personel and even more so, myself, it has become evident that this is a secular organization. I've wondered if it originated as a religious organization and if so, what brought forth a transition.

The dental clinic occurs every two weeks, so I hope to return next week, prepared for another eye-opening experience. This has all been bittersweet. Servant hood is bittersweet; it requires selflessness and or the giving of one's self. It requires sacrifice and the ability to look beyond the superficialities of this world. It requires EVERY part of you.

This is in fact, SERVICE Learning......


Service to a community.

Service Learning Blog 1

HOWDY EVERYONE! This is Heidi Elizabeth Lungren, and if you haven't noticed or heard, I'm kind of crazy, especially when it comes to blogging or posting absurd things that make you wonder where in the heck I came from....... Alas, don't be too frightened, I just aim to: 1) make myself laugh, 2) make people laugh at me, 3)do the unexpected, 4)make some type of positive impact on every situation.
Like April, I shall introduce myself in order to help you integrate into my crazy thoughts and writings. I'm a sophomore, a Health Sciences/Dental Hygiene major. I chose to go into hygiene at the beginning of my senior year in high school, but have truly received affirmation through people, such as Dr. Kluthe, instances, such as this particular volunteer job, and finally, the need for some love to be within this field which is so often viewed as frightening and intimidating. I'm from OKLAHOMA - born and raised in the same town, house, church, school, etc. I am hoping to graduate with my H.S./D.H. degree and then anticipate some international travel and or mission voyages in order to use my acquired skills/knowledge in a humanitarian way.
I was fortunate enough to be able to volunteer at the Joplin Community Clinic. I have now been twice, both times having an unexpected experience. After speaking with the Volunteer Organizer on the phone, she told me to arrive by 2:30 that afternoon with the application I received in the mail. The application itself was a challenge/surprise! It required two reference questionairres along with 3 pages of personal information. So, I walked in that afternoon flustered by my busy schedule and by my nervousness. We talked in Service Learning about being an outsider........... never fear, HEIDI was here. I must say that that was perhaps the most uncomfortable/frustrating/personally agrivating time period I've ever encountered. I gave the secretary my application and she proceeded to tell me that she would tell "Kathy," back in the dental clinic that I was there and had brought my application. Long story short, I sat in the waiting room full of uneasy patients, until 4:50 that afternoon. The secretary told "Kathy," that I had brought my application; "Kathy," assumed that she was incinuating that I had just dropped it off and left. Honestly, I had become very frustrated, which does not naturally occur very often for me. However, there was a reason why I sat in that waiting room. There, I was definitly foreign to the building, the system, the mood/atmosphere, and the people. I sat down in a chair, surely appearing to be clueless about my placement there. I waited.... and waited; listening to the conversations around me, seeing the fear within the children's eyes behind me, observing the other workers/volunteers and their faces/spirits of routine. This saddened me. Though this was a place of service, there was a lack of joy. Many of the patients had been a number of times before, and it saddened me to see the fear and the sense of inferiority that they just accepted for themselves. A couple sat next to me and the woman had returned from her physical examination and stated that she had lost more weight since the previous week (12 pounds). Her husband responded, "well, that's no surprise. when you can't eat, you lose weight, but I promise, once we can get some money, we'll eat." Then the woman on the other side of me leaned over and asked me how many teeth I was getting pulled that afternoon. Flabbergasted by the question, I smiled, and said that I wasn't getting any pulled. I wanted to slap myself.... I had smiled too soon. The woman's face was so... I don't know how to describe it... apologetic maybe? She turned her head and said, "oh you have a pretty smile. You don't need any pulled... a pretty pretty smile."
I walked into that clinic that afternoon with khaki slacks, a striped business shirt, heeled boots, curled hair, sunglasses, and a smile, that at the end of my waiting period, I wanted to remove from my identity. It was like I had (sorry to use the expression), stuck my foot in my mouth.
There was a lady with 3 children on the other side of the room. I watched how she interacted with them. She was very affectionate which was surprisingto me. She appeared to have characteristics of a meth addict. I know that is a horrible judgement to presume, but that is what came to mind. They had come to the dental clinic that day as well. The mother was more nervous than her children. She couldn't stand still and moaned when her name was called.
This brings me to today.
I showed up in dental scrubs at 12:30 and was welcomed by "Kathy." She showed me around the clinic of which I had not seen previously and then proceeded to show me the supply room. She showed me how to use this x-ray machine. This was all very interesting for me because when I worked at Grove Dental Associates, EVERYTHING was done digitally, and technology was elite and up-to-date. The clinic was operating on outdated supplies, techniques, and systems. To my surprise, all patients that afternoon had multiple extractions. Piece of cake right? The first patients were numbed. I stood in observation. I thought of the times I have had to be numbed; this was/is a huge deal, but at the clinic it was such a simple and routine operation. "Howard," and "Phil," both had 3 extractions. I "fetched" the next patients "Anne" and "Susan." "Anne" was to have 9 teeth removed but today, we only did four. "Susan" had 2 removed. Honestly, my observation today had more of an impact on myself than the people surrounding me. I still, felt so spoiled. I hesistated to smile.
After the first 2 patients, I went into the restroom and rinsed my face and just stared at myself as if I were looking at a stranger. I questioned my aspirations in the the dental field. I questioned my role as a person of service. I questioned my role within a ministry. How can I get to know the hearts of people when I can't even relate to them in the simplest aspect of life? How can they feel comfortable being so vulnerable in this place, much less to a 19 year old girl from Oklahoma? Is the fear of dental care a mixture of the providers and the things being provided? This doesn't really make sense, but in essence, I questioned my desire to pursue this career for the first time EVER. Could I handle it? Not necessarily the dental skills, but more so, could I handle the trust patients place in you, especially in humanitarian clinics/centers?
I got physically weak as I returned to the room. "Anne" was getting her fourth tooth removed by hammer. When extracted, some of the jaw bone was attached. I ached. "Anne" had been told the previous week that she needed to receive dental care before she was treated for a heart murmur. All needed to be done as soon as possible or the consequences could be fatal or very dangerous. She sat in that chair, eyes closed, mouth open, no words said. I thought about how much I stressed this week about surviving school. "Anne" was trying her best to find means of life survival.

I brought back the last patient. It was "Angela-" the woman that had been playing with her children in the waiting room on Monday. She was shaking. She was cringed in fear. A woman probably in her early 30s, around 4 foot 9", and scared to death. She sat and watched while awaiting her turn. I sat down next to her in curiosity and compassion. She was the only one who had sat down with such fear. We took and developed her x-rays. She would need 3 teeth extracted. One in particular, I noticed on the x-ray, was a molar, and had rotted a U-shape inbetween the root and the surface of the tooth. The physician had stated that that removal could be tricky because any pressure could snap it in half, and then he would have to dig within the jaw bone to remove the root. He asked "Angela," what that would have come from and she openly stated that she had been a meth addict, but had now been clean for a year. The doctor, by observation, not a man of religion, asked her what had changed, and she responded:
"Jesus."
I breath stopped. I thought, "one word. One word that is so precious." I truly saw the redeeming characteristic perhaps in its most pure form. My presumed judgements on Monday were accurate to some extent, but that one word, made my heart, which had beat rapidly the whole afternoon, rest. There was more said, but my afternoon of being so uneasy was reversed. I had questioned my identity all afternoon, but had forgotten where, (because of my faith), I needed to look for it. My worth is not created by how many teeth I can extract in an hour, or my clothing, or my wit/knowledge, but by love that I can offer.
I don't know if this is what should be expected, but I did almost 2 1/2 hours of community service today, but spent more time and thought about my existence. I was served today. Maybe that's how it works though?!!?!